Tag Archives: child psychology

Terrible Twosdays: Little Miss Sassypants

30 Aug

Terrible Twosdays are back, and with a vengeance!  I knew the day would come that the transition from two to three would reek havoc on our home in ways we never thought our little angel could.  ‘Tis here, ladies and gentlemen, and I don’t think they’re going anywhere.  The Terrible THREES have arrived a month or so early.  Are we prepared??!!

Sassypants is in the house!  Talking back, rolling eyes, attitude beyond recognition…our lovely, sweet, dainty little girl is now a sassy preschooler.  Where do they learn to talk back to their parents?  We certainly don’t talk to each other that way.  And I can’t believe this little tot knows how to roll her eyes!  She must have learned that from her father *rolls eyes*.

Lately, a simple “Ready for bed?” is cut of by “NOPE!  I’m not tired yet!” and then an unwillingness to go to bed, a usually hitch-less transition.  Mealtime is more like test time, where she’s pushing the buttons to see which ones work best.  ”I don’t like opameal (t’s term for oatmeal) anymore!”  Five minutes later, she’s spooning it down the hatch as if she’s never tasted anything so delicious.  Most nights this is how things go:   t:  “I’m hungry!  I’m thirsty!”  me:  “Dinner is ready.”  t:  “But I’m not hungry!!”  Little Miss Contradictory.  Ordering us around, “Walk in here *pointing* then stand here & pick this up!”.  Oh, and breaking the rules!!  Rules she knows well.  Pretty sure this is her thought process:  “When you said DON’T throw the ball in the house, what you really meant was DO throw the ball, right?”.  Not to mention scolding her little brother as if she’s the Queen of Hearts:  “I don’t THINK so, Marsden!  You stop that right now or you’re going to be in big trouble!”.  Well, at least I know where she gets that from…

Let me break it down for you.  Our daughter, lil’ t, was a VERY easy kid.  Easy newborn, easy infant, easy baby, easy toddler…WAIT…STOP RIGHT THERE!  I have to change “easy preschooler” to “preschooler with attitude”.  Overnight.

Ah but it’s not all bad.  She is learning like a thick sponge, taking everything in.  She learns with grace and simplicity.  She is an amazing tiny person.  The attitude that comes along with it is fine, as long as it’s respectful.  Sometimes it’s laughable.  The other day, she refused to hurry back to the car with us at a park right before it started sprinkling.  I told her it was going to rain.  Her response?  “No it’s not.”  I even pointed to the dark cloud looming over our heads.  She didn’t believe me.  Guess who got caught in the flash downpour, a sopping, sobbing mess?  She sat on her bike & wailed as I ran back to get her in the car.  One (small) lesson learned.

Testing, testing, testing.  I suppose with learning communication comes language testing.  She has to test the language along with her actions to see if it works.  I’ll go with that for the time being!  It will make our world a lot easier with that in mind :)

To all you other Moms & Dads out there going through the same thing…breathe.  The next thing you know, your 3 year-old will be 4 and we will be on to bigger & better feats.

 

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When Enough Is Enough

27 May

Some things have got me heated lately.  When I watch the news, read a magazine, see some hot internet topic…it seems like everything is okay these days.  Anything goes.  No one seems to have any standards anymore, and the morals of this country, in particular, are in question.  How selfish are we as a society?

I wrote about selflessness in childbirth yesterday (this).  Today, I want to know more about being selfless period.  I think it’s a term we as a nation have let fall by the wayside.  Our society seems to spend a lot of time giving advice.  It also seems as if the advice humors the popular opinion.  Everything is acceptable.  Well, here’s my $0.02.  It may not be the popular opinion, it may not cater to the masses as I like to say. 

If we accept everything, nothing is wrong.  That means everything is all right.  I beg to differ…

I read an article in Parenting magazine this month (see here) that has me perplexed.  It wasn’t the astonishing stat that 41% of all U.S. births are to unmarried women.  Nor was it the fact that 25% of children under age 21 live with only one parent.  No, those statistics didn’t bother me.  The paragraph that really bursts my bubble is when the author dedicates a section to what to do when your child catches you in bed with another man/woman.  There is a doctor who advises you to just keep your cool like nothing is odd.  She states that “while setting appropriate boundaries for yourself is important, you don’t need your child’s permission to have a fulfilling sexual life.” (Parenting, June 2011)

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

I am so fed up with the selfishness like that seen here.  Frankly, I didn’t even read the remainder of the article.  I couldn’t.   As a parent, you must have some sort of  instinct preventing you from behaving in such a fashion, no?!  Since when is it even ok to be caught with your partner, be it the “baby daddy” or other?  Does anyone think what is going through a child’s mind in situations such as these?!  Any psychologist has to concur that this is not healthy for a child.  Divorce is hard enough for a child to suffer through, let’s not add insult to injury here.  It’s so obvious that the writer is trying to make it OK by pushing the opinion onto the public.  Maybe she will feel better, then.  If everyone feels pity, they will accept it.  And by accepting it, that makes it ok.

Yesterday I told you that I worked hard for a natural childbirth.  Twice.  Something else I work hard at, very hard at, is my marriage.  Sure, I’ve only been married to my husband for 4 years & we’ve only been together for 8 1/2, who’s counting!  Many times I’ve had to put myself last.  My husband has needed me, all of me, so my needs are lower on the family totem.  And that is ok.  There are times when it is exactly the opposite & he caters to my needs.  That is why relationships work:  the balance.

I often laugh at Moms who need time away from their families.  You know, the ones who “take the long way home” after a trying day, or “can’t wait for school to start back up again” when they have a long weekend with their children.  Maybe this is you.  If so, sorry for judging you.  Yes, I am judging you.  I am judging you as a selfish person in that moment.  We all have those moments, myself included.  However, your child should always come first.  Parenting is a 24 hour life.  Every day for 24 hours, you should be thinking of your child, in everything you do.   Children first, husband second.  (Come on Daddies, you ‘ve got to know this!)

Personally, I try to make those I Me Mine! moments few & far between.  It is not about me.  I’m here for them, wholly, completely.  What happened to that standard?  Did we lose it in the 60′s with the feminist movement?  Sadly, I believe we did.  If a very popular parenting magazine is giving advice to single parents whose kids find them having sleepovers in the presence of their children, something is missing.  That something is incredibly large. 

I’m no June Cleaver, but I sure as heck strive to be a loving, caring, compassionate parent.  To do this effectively, you must remove the me.  Stop catering to your needs & start looking at the needs of the people you love that surround you.  Life will be a lot better this way, and in turn, you will probably be a lot happier without giving your self little thought.

Try it.  It certainly couldn’t hurt.

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Terrible Twosdays: Watch What You Say!

24 May

I’ve listened to other parents make the mistake.  I’ve watched them fumble with their words as they drop something on the floor by mistake. “OH SHIT!”

Here’s the problem:  your pint-sized sponge is watching.  And listening.  And soaking it all in.

Beware, new parents of toddlers.  They will hear you, and they will learn how to speak that word more clearly than any other in their limited vocabulary.  It probably will be uttered at the most inopportune time, probably in front of your most-feared crowd.  And it will probably be used in the proper context.

I don’t have the best mouth.  “Potty Mouth”, as my husband likes to call it, has been part of my vocabulary as long as I can remember.  I’m learning to replace my foul adjectives with those that are more appropriate and child-friendly.  It’s getting better.

We’ve replaced the inevitable “Oh Shit!” with “Oh Shoot!” and now, even “Oh Shux!”.  Our daughter chose the “s” word as her first (and hopefully only for a while) swear word.  She dropped a crayon on the floor & just said it.  Clear as day.  Absolutely correct circumstance.  I just muttered “Oh, we don’t say that word”.  She then followed up with “Ok.  I just say ‘Oh Shoot!’.”  My response: “Hmm, no, that’s not very nice either.”  “Oh.  Ok then.  I just say ‘Shhhh’!”  Can’t argue with that!

She is now the “Potty Mouth Police” for anyone who speaks profanely in her presence.  No one can “Oh My God!” or “Damnit!” in front of her, no way!  She will turn to them and ask, rather politely, “We don’t say that word.  We say ‘Oh my!’ or ‘Oopsy Daisy’!”  Hilarious.

I’m glad this is the worst it has been to date.  Oh, I know it will get worse, I know…I just hope I remember the story to tell when her first date picks her up or at her graduation party.  For now, it will look cute and read well in her baby book, alongside the other adorable toddler tales.  Thanks for the memories, little t.  I will be talking on eggshells for years to come…

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Terrible Twosdays: A Nap Retired?!

17 May

The day may be coming when our 2 1/2 year-old refuses a nap on a daily basis.  I refuse to let that happen.

Let me get this straight:  Once you get used to something as a parent, it changes.  That is the way things go, isn’t it?  Our 2 year-old has always been a very good sleeper.  From day one, really, I’m serious.  She was sleeping through the night by 3 weeks (and by through the night, I mean 8-10 hours).

Unheard of, right?

Don’t be jealous.

I’m not entirely sure why she is such a good sleeper, but I did have a bit of practice & experience before she was born.  Maybe that had something to do with it, maybe not.  We thought she was an easy baby.  So easy, in fact, that we had another child when she was 18 months old.  Marsden was born wide awake.

He is not a good sleeper.

Not even close.

It took him 11 months to learn how to sleep more than a few hours at a time.  We have read every book about sleeping babies under the sun in every attempt to get this child to sleep.  Thankfully, he has finally figured it out at 13 months, for the time being at least.  He now sleeps mostly through the night & naps 2 times a day consistently.  That will probably going down to one soon.  I’m ready for that.

What I am not prepared for (and I know it’s coming) is when our older child decides naps are for the birds.  She is starting to give me a hard time about going down for her usual 3-4 hour nap.  (Told you we were spoiled!)  The hard part is getting her to stay in one spot for more than 3 minutes so she will fall asleep.  Once she falls asleep, she will remain that way for that long 3-4 hour nap.

The great thing about little t is that she listens when you talk to her.  We simply explain that if she naps, she will feel more rested and be able to do more when she wakes up.  If I tell her how happy she will be when she wakes from her nap, she will happily roll over and go to sleep.  She is a rare breed.

I know how much better the day flows if she takes her nap.  I don’t know how much longer to expect that to happen, but I will crack the whip (not literally people, come on now!) as long as it takes to keep her napping.  It’s not that I need the “break”, it just works better this way, trust me.

For any of you parents out there who have had toddlers, you know how it is.  Just please don’t tell me what happens next, keep that to yourselves.  Thanks, I appreciate it.

A rare moment

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The Power Of The Sticker

9 May

Parents and educators alike, you’ll appreciate this one. 

A sticker goes a long way.  Back in my full-time piano teaching days, I was constantly stocking up on stickers.  You practice, you get a sticker.  Play well, have a sticker.  Listen, sticker.  I didn’t give these things away for doing nothing, oh no!  You had to EARN that sticker.  It’s amazing what a little piece of tacky paper can do for a child.

I’m not big on rewarding kids, and I’m not big on punishing them either.  I like to meet somewhere in the middle.  (Falls right into place of my whole motto:  Everything in Moderation.  See My First Blog .)  Kids are spoiled when they’re given something for doing nothing, when it comes to anything, really.  When it comes to actually earning something, well, that’s a different story.  Reward all the way!  Positive reinforcement definitely is more effective than criticism, at least with the children I’ve known in my lifetime.  I find stickers have a lot more meaning when they’re actually earned.

We go to doctors’ offices, play centers, libraries, visiting friends…my children often come home with stickers.  In this house, a sticker means you’ve done something great, or you’ve been a “good girl or boy”  and you’re welcome to a “prize”.  Not all the time, but not never.  Moderation.  You see, if kids get stickers all the time, the value decreases.  They aren’t as special.  I’ve seen what mass production can do for kids.  With my students, they could get stickers anytime, anywhere.  What good were my special piano glitter-infested stickies when they got them all the time?!  I have to say, it’s all in the delivery.  Enthusiasm matters most whether the sticker is solid gold or torn & tattered. 

The sticker wouldn’t be so popular if they were, in fact, just given away.  Sure, parents can buy them, teachers can use them, anyone at all can reward a child.  We all must be doing a pretty good job of dispensing these rewards.  And we all should.  Seems like it’s not such a big deal, a little sticker.  But heck, I’m writing an entire post about it!  But what it stands for is the true beauty of the sticker.  A sense of accomplishment.  A good deed done.  A thank-you.  Children need that in their daily lives.  I often think of the movie Searching For Bobby Fischer…great movie.  (I’m a sucker for gifted-kid-genius movies!)  If you haven’t seen it, skip to the next paragraph in case of spoiler…throughout the film, the main character/child wants so badly to receive a certificate his instructor deems the ultimate prize.  He yearns for that super special certificate, only to be told it’s a mere copy & he’s not so special after all.  A terribly mean thing to do to a child.  His instructor had a real “jerk” moment & in turn, took all that magic away.  LIVE THE MAGIC.  Give the children around you something to believe in, something to work toward.  Stickers can help do that (along with Santa and the Easter Bunny :) ).

Crazy post, I know, but it’s the little things sometimes.  Around here, we use the back of Tavia’s drawing pad as a place to collect the stickers she’s earned.  Maybe it’s from finishing a page in her workbook, or a chiropractic adjustment…lots of different reasons.   She can see her developing collage and reflect on the when & where of each sticker.  It’s pretty amazing how much she remembers!  Sometimes I need that sticky cardboard montage to remind her of the how & why.  How & why are we a good girl?  How & why do we behave in an appropriate manner?  It’s a win-win!   (*Sidenote:  We don’t reward for going on the potty or eating a meal, things like that which are daily routine activities.  To me, that’s mixing the lines between deserving and earning.  And, let’s face it, it isn’t reality to be rewarded for something we are supposed to do, something that’s not above & beyond, something special.)

What encouraging tidbit to you use to teach your children & students?  With a two year-old, I’m always looking for new ways to avoid criticism & punishment.  Don’t like to do that here.  We want to reinforce the good rather than harp on the bad.  Good idea?

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